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| Volume 9 Number 126 | Sun Mar 12 23:55:01 US/Pacific 2000 |
From: Your Moderator <faigin@pacificnet.net> Date: Sun Mar 12 5:55:45 US/Pacific 2000 Subject: Administrivia: We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Discussion... Dear Readers and Friends: We interrupt your regularly scheduled discussion for... the MLJ Purim Issue! This digest (and perhaps the next) is a collection of humorous entries sent in over the year. As Purim starts in about a week, and as we are in the month of Adar, it's time to joke, be happy, etc. So... enjoy. Note: Some of these jokes do depend on stereotypical humor; some of these jokes use Yiddish terms that some may find offensive. Some of these jokes have mild sexual humor. I apologize in advance if anyone is offended by this; that is certainly not the intent. Also note that the use of such terms is a temporary stretching of the acceptability guidelines for the Purim issues only. Daniel P.S.: Thanks to David Chessler for providing many of these. Others were provided by anonymous sources, Lazer Fuerst <lazer@mitretek.org>, and Sheldon Glickler.
From: A Purim Jokester Date: Sun Mar 12 6:02:55 US/Pacific 2000 Subject: Purim Torah - Beraishit And it came to pass after these things that God did test Avraham. And God said to him, "Avraham!" And Avraham replied "Hineni - here I am." And God said, "Take your computer, your old computer, your 486 and install upon it an operating system, a new operating system, Windows 2000 which I will show to you." And Avraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass. He loaded his computer, his old computer, his 486, on the ass. And he took two of his young men with him and Yitzchak his son. And he rose up and went to the place where God had told him, there to find Windows 2000. Then, on the third day, Avraham lifted his eyes and saw Windows 2000 from afar. And Avraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and load Windows 2000 on our 486, and come again to you" And Avraham took his computer his old computer, his 486, and laid it on Yitzchak his son. And they went both of them together. And Yitzchak spoke to Avraham his father and said, "My father." And he replied, "Hineni - Here I am my son." And Yitzchak said, "Windows 2000 requires far more memory than a 486 has. How will it possibly run on your machine?" And Avraham looked at his son, his only son, whom he loved; and he shook his head slowly, and in perfect faith and with unswerving trust and belief in the Almighty, he said, "Fear not, Yitzchak my son, ...God will provide the RAM."
From: A Purim Jokester Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2000 22:29:32 -0500 Subject: Purim: Answers on the Torah Answers Given by Students to Test Questions on the Bible [Author's Note: I removed a couple that referred to the Christian scriptures.] * The first book of the Bible is Guinessis, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple. * Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. * Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night. * Samson played the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. * Unleavened bread is bread made with no ingredients. * Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments. * The seventh commandment is: Thou shalt not admit adultery. * Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. * Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. * David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. * The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals.
From: A Purim Jokester Date: Sat, 15 Jan 2000 22:42:00 -0500 Subject: Purim: Getting the Children to Visit An older Jewish man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York. The father says to the son, " I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we are divorcing. That's it!!! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I am telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out." He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this." She calls Florida and gets her father, on the phone. She pleads to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there! We will be there Friday night." The father says, "All right, all right already." He hangs up the phone, and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Rosh Hashanah. Now, what are we going to tell them for Passover?"
From: A Purim Jokester Date: Sat, 15 Jan 2000 18:08:00 -0500 Subject: Purim: Going to Heaven Rabbi Goldman walks into a shul in Tel Aviv, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Rabbi." The Rabbi said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the Rabbi asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the Rabbi. Then the Rabbi walked up to Finklestein and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" Finklestein said, "No, I don't Rabbi." The Rabbi said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" Finklestein said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
From: A Purim Jokester Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1999 06:55:02 -0700 Subject: Purim: High Holydays Seating Form [The author indicates this is from Burton B Smoliar, but I've seen this circulating every year during the High Holydays. I've edited this to make it take less space by using two columns, where appropriate. This may read better if you turn on fixed width spacing, if possible -- Yr. Mod.] SYNAGOGUE SEATING REQUEST FORM: During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible. 1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:) ___ Talking section ___ No talking section 2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of interest:) ___ Stock market ___ Sports ___ Medicine ___ Congregants' secret medical ___ General gossip tragedies ___ Specific gossip (choose:) ___ The rabbi ___ The cantor ___ The rabbi's wife ___ The cantor's voice ___ The gabbi ___ The cantor's wife ___ The gabbi's wife ___ The cantor's wife's voice ___ The gabbi's "secretary" ___ Fashion news ___ Your neighbors ___ What others are wearing ___ Your relatives ___ Why they look awful ___ Your neighbors' relatives ___ President Clinton ___ Sex (indicate preference) ___ President Clinton and Monica ___ Who's cheating on/having ___ Other: _____________________ an affair with whom 3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice? ___ Doctor ___ Child psychiatrist ___ Dentist ___ Mother in law ___ Nutritionist ___ Podiatrist ___ Psychiatrist ___ Chiropractor ___ Stockbroker ___ Accountant ___ Lawyer: ___ Real estate agent __ Criminal ___ Architect __ Civil ___ Plumber ___ Buyer, specify store ___ Sexologist ___ Golf pro [tentative; we're ___ Other: __________________ still trying to find a Jewish one] 4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:) ___ On the aisle ___ Near the exit ___ Near my in-laws ___ Near the window ___ As far away from my in-laws ___ In Aruba as possible ___ Near the bathroom ___ As far away from my ex-in-laws ___ Near the pulpit as possible ___ Near the Kiddush table ___ Where no one on the bimah can ___ Near single men see/hear me talking during ___ Near available women services ___ Near anyone who's available- ___ Where no one will notice me I'm bisexual or just not sleeping during services particular ___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge] 5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where: ___ I can see my spouse over the ___ I can see my friend's spouse mechitza over the mechitza ___ I cannot see my spouse over ___ My spouse cannot see me looking at the mechitza at my friend's spouse over the mechitza 6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people: (Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.) _________________________ __________________________ _________________________ __________________________ _________________________ __________________________ Your name: _________________________________ Building fund pledge: _________________________
From: A Purim Jokester Date: Sat, 15 Jan 2000 00:06:00 -0500 Subject: Purim: Jewish Definitions CHUTZPAPA A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper. DISORIYENTA When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes. DEJA NU Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when. IMPASTA Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant. JEWDO A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot. AFIKOMMENTS Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden Passover matzo. TORAHFIED Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah. TRAYFFIC An appetizer one finds out has pork in it after one ACCIDENT has eaten it. JEWBILATION Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish. YENTILITY A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key phrases include, "trust me", "your secret is safe with me" and "if you can't tell me, who can you tell?" YIDENTIFY To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor. KINDERSCHLEP To be called on to carpool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan. MAMATZAH Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make. BALLS MATZILATION Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it. BLINTZKRIEG A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won't be able to eat for a week!" BUBBEGUM Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children. MINYASTICS Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan. MEINSTEIN [Slang] "My son, the genius." BRIS AND A detailed description given by parents of their child's TELL circumcision, generally spoken quite loud in front of the grown child and those people he would least like to hear the story. DISCAHKEN- Looking like one isn't involved while one's dog goes to TUDE the bathroom on a neighbor's lawn. DIS- vb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business KVELLIFIED school, as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for dis-kvellification.) FLEISHADICK A Jewish flasher. FEELAWFUL Indigestion from eating Israeli street food. GOYFER A gentile messenger. HEBORT To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah. HEBRUTE Israeli aftershave. HINDSTEIN A Semitic smart-ass. ISROYALTY Major contributors to the UJA, the JUF, or the IEF. MISHPOCHA- The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's MARKS face and collars after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception. RE- Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old SHTETLEMENT neighbors live in the same condo as you. ROSH HASHA A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn. NA NA SANTASHMANTA The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas. SCHMUCKLUCK Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy. SHIKSABOB A special meal that Muffy O'Brien prepares for Morris Greenblatt. SHOFARSOGUT The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur. BIALY ACHE The result of lunch at your mother's and dinner at your mother-in law's.
From: A Purim Jokester Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2000 17:52:37 -0500 Subject: Purim: Jewish Golfers Yankel Schwartz has become rich and wants to show off, so he orders his driver to take him to the new exclusive golf club with his new Cadillac. Unfortunately, a sign at the door unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. The driver wants to return home, but not Yankel! Yankel: "Wait here for me." Driver: "But don't you see the sign? They'll kick you out immediately!" Yankel: "I don't have to tell them I'm Jewish," and he leaves for the gate. So the driver waits. After three and a half hours, Yankel is kicked out by two guardsmen. The driver asks: "What happened?" Yankel says: "Everything was fine until we played hole number eight. I accidentally shot my ball into one of those ponds. I shouted: 'Oh, my God!' And then the waters parted, and everybody knew..."
From: A Purim Jokester Date: Sat, 15 Jan 2000 13:21:00 -0500 Subject: Purim: Merger Madness: Chanukkah and Christmas [Again... this is another old chestnut that goes around every year. Hopefully, this publication will suffice :-). Apologies to those that have seen this incessently. -- Yr. Mod.] Continuing the current trend back towards turn-of-the-century monopolies, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high quality service during the Fifteen Days of 'Christmukah', as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering of their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa's dentist. A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market by regulators. "Fortunately for all concerned", he said, "Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance". He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Moishe, the Red Nosed Reindeer"
From: A Purim Jokester Date: Sat, 15 Jan 2000 11:04:00 -0500 Subject: Purim: Rabbinic Expansion [Moderator's Note: This joke has a little bit of sexual content.] There was a rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the rabbi got up on the bima and spoke to his flock. "Having children is an act of GOD!", shouted the Rabbi. In the back of the sanctuary, a little man with full white beard and yarmulka rose and shouted in his frail voice, "Point of information. Snowing and raining are also acts of GOD. But we wear rubbers!"
From: A Purim Jokester Date: Sun Mar 12 6:04:52 US/Pacific 2000 Subject: Purim: Rabbis in Space NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the earth and made an attempt to include passengers of all races, color, and creed. They recently realized they had excluded the clergy, so they invited a priest, a minister and a rabbi to orbit the earth in a shuttle. Upon their return, crowds of people formed to hear their impressions. First, the priest emerged, beaming and happy; his statement was full of joy. He said, "It was totally amazing. I saw the sun rise and set. I saw the beautiful oceans." Then the minister emerged, also happy and at peace. He said, "I saw the magnificent earth, our home. I saw the majestic sun. I'm truly in awe." Then the rabbi came out. He was completely disheveled, his beard was tangled and in every direction, his kipah was frayed, his tallit was wrinkled, like you can't imagine. They asked him, "Rabbi, did you enjoy the flight?" He threw his hands in the air crazily and replied. "ENJOY??? What was to enjoy? Oy! Every 5 minutes the sun was rising and setting On with the tfillin, off with the tfillin, mincha, maariv, mincha, maariv...... Gevalt!!!!!!!
From: A Purim Jokester Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2000 23:20:54 -0500 Subject: Purim: Shaggy Dog Story The Jewish community in Madrid needed horseradish for making chrain (horseradish) for Pesach, but all the European Union countries gave them the same reply, "Sorry, we have none to send." In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv and begged him to send a crate of horseradish by air freight to Madrid. Two days before Pesach, a crate of grade Aleph tear-jerking Israeli horseradish was loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the EL Al 89 flight to Madrid, and all seemed to be well. Unfortunately, when the Rabbi went to the Madrid Airport to claim the horseradish he was informed that a wildcat strike had just broken out and no shipments would be unloaded for at least four days. As a result: (okay, now don't shoot me) The chrain in Spain stayed mainly on the plane.
From: A Purim Jokester Date: Thu, 09 Sep 1999 10:03:56 +1200 Subject: Purim: Some Oldies I 5759 Year according to Jewish calendar 4696 Year according to Chinese calendar 1063 Total # of years that Jews went without Chinese food *** Q - What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers? A - "Is ANYTHING all right?" *** Q - How many Jewish mothers does it take the change a light bulb? A - (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody . . *** Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a Policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the Policeman says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back." Sam replies, "Thank god for that...I'd thought I'd gone deaf!" *** Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself", she replied. *** Q - What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? A - Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. *** A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why are you so weak?" She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The man says,"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? The mother answers,"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
From: A Purim Jokester Date: Thu, 09 Sep 1999 10:03:56 +1200 Subject: Purim: Some Oldies II Two Jewish women meet on the street. Sophie: "Dahling you look mahvelous! Absolutely mahvelous! Three words describe how good you look. Pooh! Pooh! Pooh! So tell me what's your secret?" Esther: "Well to tell you the truth, I'm having an affair." Sophie: "Is dat so! Who's the caterer?" *** A new IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He proceeded to interrogate the rabbi, asking him what the synagogue did with the wax drippings from the Shabbat, Havdallah and Chanukah candles. The rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the temple new candles. "What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?" asked the auditor. "Simple," the rabbi responded. "We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal." "All right" said the auditor, refusing to give up. "I know that you are a moyel as well as a rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?" "Easy" said the rabbi. "We send them to Washington, DC... and they send us you. *** As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates"in the fastest time. Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal. Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds, the Italian in 38.1 seconds, and then came the turn of the Israeli...the crowd waited, and waited... SIX MINUTES!!! "What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which of those bastards put a mezuzah on each gate?" *** A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a posh gourmet food shoppe. An impressive salesperson in morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?" "Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox." "No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon." "Okay, a pound of smoked salmon." "Anything else?" "Yes, a dozen blintzes." "No. No. You mean crepes." "Okay, a dozen crepes." "Anything else?" "Yes. A pound of chopped liver." "No. No. You mean pate." "Okay," said the Jewish patron, "A pound of pate. And," he added, "I'd like you to deliver this to my house next Saturday." "Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "We don't schlep on Shabbos!" *** A large family, the Bergers, with seven thank G-d healthy children, moved to America from Europe. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to such a large large family. After several days of unsuccessful searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment. After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right. Then the landlord asked the usual question: "How many children do you have?" The father answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery." He got the apartment.! *** Mollie Speigel, an older Jewish lady, is invited to a high mass by her friend Maria Hernandez. Mollie was delighted to accept the invitation, because she had never been to a mass before. So Mollie and Maria, dressed in their finest, went to the high mass. A visiting Bishop was vested in his surplus and cassock ready to process at the beginning of the service. His surplus was very ornate, and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke risng from it. Mollie, sitting directly on the aisle, touched the Bishop on his shoulder as he passed her seat, and innocently said, "Darling I love your outfit, but your purse is on fire ! " *** Mrs. Lupowitz, an elderly widow newly arrived in the Holy Land, jumped into a public taxi traveling from Tel Aviv to Haifa. To the annoyance of the other five passengers, she kept reminding the driver, "Tell me when we pass Shefayim!" Mrs. Lupowitz asked the driver so many times that the poor man drove right through Shefayim. When he realized his mistake, he apologized to the other occupants, turned the vehicle around, and drove back. "Here is Shefayim!" said the driver. "Now you can get out!" "Who wants to get out!" said Mrs. Lupowitz. "You did!" "No" said Mrs. Lupowitz. "My daughter told me when I left Tel Aviv that when I pass Shefayim, I should take my medicine."
From: A Purim Jokester Date: Sat, 15 Jan 2000 18:00:00 -0500 Subject: Purim: Synagogue Donation An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown into the rabbi's office and is offered a seat. "Rabbi, I believe a member of your syagogue, Mr Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?" The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will."
From: A Purim Jokester Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2000 02:07:34 -0500 Subject: Purim: Under Rabbinical Supervision [Moderator's note: The author indicates this was originally from Stuart Case] A rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in an argument. The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one). Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the rabbi could not bear to think about. As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!" Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?" (rabbi nods yes) "Did you see me order this meal?" (again he nods yes) "Did you see the waiter bring me this food?" (again he nods yes) "And did you see me eat it?" (nods yes) "Then, rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire thing was done under rabbinical supervision!"
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